How do you know if a relationship is worth saving or not? If you’re living with an addict who happens to be your significant other, partner, or spouse, you may be wrestling with that very question right now. No doubt this has been a great trial in the relationship, making you wonder whether you should remain committed and or move on. From your safety to your partner’s willingness to change, there are numerous factors that should be considered when evaluating how to know if a relationship is worth saving when addiction is involved.
When Living With an Addict: Evaluate Your Relationship
Finding out how to know if a relationship is worth saving starts by reflecting back on the big picture. Looking objectively (as best you can) at your relationship as a whole may involve talking through it with a trusted loved one or therapist. You may need to journal your thoughts for a while in a private place, too.
But what should you examine in your relationship? For starters, you need to think through the relationship’s impact on you. Despite living with an addict right now, does your relationship with that person still make you feel grateful? Or do you feel mostly sad or troubled? Friends and loved ones may even be able to speak into how the relationship has helped you become a better version of yourself or led to unhealthy changes.
Addiction aside, you also need to consider the values you share together. After all, alignment with mutual values and goals means any relationship is in a better position for long-term success. But if you’re not on the same page with major principles (including sobriety), then the relationship may not last anyways.
Commitment is also key to evaluate. Are you both committed to each other long-term? Part of commitment looks like a willingness to grow and change for the better. That means your partner should be committed to doing whatever it takes to overcome addiction and pursue recovery.
How to Know if a Relationship is Worth Saving: Positive Signs
If your partner or spouse is struggling with addiction, it doesn’t mean you should automatically end the relationship. Some relationships are worth saving, despite major hurdles like substance abuse. So how do you know if a relationship is worth saving when you’re living with an addict? Here are some signs of hope:
- Fulfillment: In spite of all its challenges, the relationship still makes you both happy. A relationship that can change for the better is one rooted in mutual fulfillment, safety, and quality time together.
- Conflict resolution: No matter if it’s a minor argument or a major disagreement, you’ve found a way to work through and resolve your issues together. Underlying grudges or resentment don’t remain for long.
- Sustained intimacy: You both have progressed through the levels of intimacy in your relationship to a consistent, healthy emotional (and physical) intimacy. That means, according to the Gottman Institute, that you trust each other with your innermost thoughts and feelings.
- Communication: Honesty in recovery is just as important as it is in a relationship. Clear, open communication means you can navigate future difficult conversations in recovery and feel safe enough to be vulnerable with one another.
- Healthy well-being: Your relationship has helped you both become better people. You’ve seen improvement physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually in each other’s lives.
- Commitment to growth: You’ve shown time and time again that you’re both willing to work on improving the relationship. That means having responsibility for your own personal growth, listening to each other, and remaining open to healthy change.
Watch Out for These Warning Signs When Living With an Addict
How to know if a relationship is worth saving may be more obvious when there are certain factors, positive or negative, that exist. When living with an addict, know all healthy relationships go through challenges. However, relationships that consist of the following may be worth ending outright:
- Distrust and hurt: Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time after addiction. But if your partner has a habit of betraying you in many facets of life, it’s hard to feel safe enough to move forward when you’ve been hurt so often.
- Abuse: If your partner physically or emotionally harms you, uses intimidation or manipulation to force you to do something, or makes you feel unsafe, it’s best to leave the relationship.
- A lack of respect: Your partner repeatedly ignores your wishes and feelings, disrespects you and your boundaries, takes advantage of you, and doesn’t demonstrate any desire to change for the better.
- Conflicting values: There are certain deal-breaker issues that you can’t get into alignment on together, such as marriage, children, religion, finances, etc.
- Unwillingness to pursue recovery: Living with an addict partner has already made your relationship suffer. But if your partner is in denial about their addiction, refuses to get help, and doesn’t want to get sober, there’s a good chance the relationship isn’t worth saving.
Helping Your Partner Overcome Addiction in New England
What if your addicted partner wants to make changes, and you both want to save your relationship? Then it’s critical that your partner seeks professional help from an addiction treatment center in order to heal. And you can even help your partner get into rehab to start his or her recovery journey.
At Sana at Stowe in Stowe, Vermont, we understand what you’re going through in this season. That’s why we offer comprehensive addiction treatment programs for loved ones ready to reclaim their lives — as well as guidance for spouses, significant others, and family members like you. To learn more, call us today.
